Did you know that good friends can become “inner friends”? Just remembering a friend’s gaze can bring comfort and peace. You can imagine what this friend would say to you right now. What do you need to hear from them right now?
Friendships and relationships in general are important for both our mental and physical well-being. We may have very different friendships that meet different needs: we play sports with one friend, party with another, meet as couples with a third, and turn to a fourth when we want to have deep conversations.
Friendships also change over time. When you’re young, friendships are often based on hanging out together, whereas later in life, you might not see each other as often, but you might keep in touch more. Reading this overwhelming list, one cannot help but pause and reflect on how many levels there are to friendship.
Friendship is based on many different factors, and being a good friend requires a range of skills. In this article, we take a moment to analyze friendship skills. First, take a moment to fill out the following playful friendship skills self-assessment form, and then continue reading.
Try it here
What kind of friend are you?
Assess for yourself in which areas you are a good friend and where there might be room for growth. Think of one or two close friends and respond to the statements by rating on a scale of 0–5 how well each statement applies. Remember that your ratings can be quite different for different friends.
0 means “not at all,” 3 means “sometimes,” and 5 means “completely.”
- Listening: I am willing to listen to my friend actively and genuinely.
- Empathy: I strive to understand my friend’s feelings and perspectives.
- Reliability: I always keep my promises to my friend.
- Honesty: I am open and honest in my friendship.
- Forgiveness: I am willing to forgive my friend when they make mistakes.
- Providing support: I support my friend during difficult times.
- Flexibility: I am flexible and adapt to different situations in the friendship.
- Understanding and acceptance: I accept my friend as they are and understand their strengths and weaknesses.
- Sense of humor: We share a common sense of humor together.
- Self-control: I am able to remain calm in challenging situations within the friendship.
Where are you currently in terms of your friendship skills?
40–50 points: You are a real star in friendships! You have strong friendship skills and are an excellent listener—empathetic, reliable, honest, and ready to offer support. Your friends can rely on you in many different situations.
25–39 points: There is still room for improvement in a few skills. Notice what you are already doing well, and consider paying special attention to the areas where your scores were lower.
1–24 points: You clearly identified several areas where you can grow in your friendships. This is an opportunity to develop and improve your skills. Reflect on how you can enhance your listening, empathy, reliability, honesty, and other abilities to build stronger friendships in the future.
1. Listening
Listening is an important skill in all areas of life, whether supporting a loved one during health challenges, working with colleagues, or in family relationships. However, most of us are not as good at listening as we imagine ourselves to be. When we practice genuine listening, the interaction becomes much more rewarding for both you and your friend. This is called active listening, and it can help prevent misunderstandings as well as reduce the likelihood of conflicts.
Active listening is one of the most essential skills in a strong friendship. People who listen attentively create a deeper connection with others. It’s not just about hearing the words; it’s about immersing yourself in the emotions, thoughts, and experiences your friends share. Active listening—often an underestimated skill—has the power to transform the dynamics of friendships, strengthening trust, compassion, and a deeper understanding of one another.
Example: A friend shares their worries, and instead of interrupting or offering solutions, you listen empathetically and allow them to express their feelings. Often, rational, problem-solving conversation can only happen after the person has first experienced being truly heard.
2. Empathy: A friend understands you, accepts you, and wants the best for you.
The empathetic ability to understand and share another person’s feelings is an essential part of a strong friendship. Empathy is a key factor in building trust. A good friend is often empathetic toward your difficulties or experiences in general and shows that they care about them. A good friend seeks to understand who you are at your core, appreciates different perspectives in your situation, and gives you space to express your emotions. A good friend is usually neither judgmental nor dismissive. They understand and accept the other person as a whole—someone with both strengths and weaknesses.
Example: Your friend shares a personal success. Through empathetic engagement, you share in their joy with genuine emotional attunement.
3. Reliability: A friend is there for you
Reliability forms the foundation of a strong friendship. A friend does not abandon you when you need them. A good friend does not leave you alone during difficult times or when you are feeling down or anxious. Friends show loyalty toward you. Trust is a key factor in long-lasting friendships, and a lousy friend can often be recognized by the fact that they only reach out when they need you or your help.
Example: You have promised to help your friend with a move. Even if you get appealing offers to do other, more fun things, you keep your promise. By following through on your commitment, you show that your friend can rely on you.
4. Honesty and acceptance of diversity
Honest communication promotes strong friendship. Most people value honesty highly, but expressing one’s honest opinion is not always simple. Many fear conflicts and may even swallow their own opinions out of concern that a differing view will lead to tense discussions. However, avoiding expressing your own thoughts or feelings is not healthy in the long run. Expressing an honest opinion requires sufficient assertiveness. Assertiveness refers to the ability to express your opinions and needs, even when they may not be pleasing to the other person.
Example: If you disagree with your friend, express your opinion respectfully without criticizing the other person’s opinion, instead of hiding your differing opinion.
“Good friends can forgive each other and continue nurturing a positive friendship. Forgiveness reduces conflicts and promotes the longevity of the relationship.”
5. Forgiving and asking for forgiveness
Forgiveness is an essential part of healthy friendships. As humans, we are inherently imperfect—we make mistakes, learn from them, and continue with life, hopefully having gained some insight. In long-term friendships, disagreements are likely to arise at times. Good friends generally recognize this reality and are able to both apologize and forgive, within reasonable limits, of course. Good friends can forgive each other and continue nurturing a positive friendship. Forgiveness reduces conflicts and supports the longevity of the relationship.
Example: Your friend is late for a scheduled meeting, but when they apologize, you are willing to forgive them.
6. A friend is there for you: Support and flexibility
Support during difficult times strengthens friendships. The emotional support a friend provides can positively impact another person’s well-being. A friend helps someone going through tough experiences to better cope and move forward. Life often includes phases when we are searching for ourselves. We may go through crises or periods of growth, or perhaps we are exploring our identity. Sometimes, this search naturally involves expressing very different aspects of ourselves, even if these aspects do not necessarily reflect our true self. At their best, friends are patient and tolerant of a friend’s imperfections and mistakes. Flexibility contributes to the longevity and resilience of friendships.
Example: Your friend is going through a difficult time in their life, and by offering them a listening ear, you show your support.
7. Sense of humor
A good friend is generally someone whose company you enjoy. With a good friend, you can laugh, have fun, feel connected, and simply enjoy each other’s presence. Instead of worrying about judgment, you can often feel comfortable and at ease. A shared sense of humor adds lightness to the friendship’s atmosphere. Humor can be a double-edged sword, though. Laughing can sometimes serve as a way to avoid deeper issues and prevent confronting important emotional pain. Still, laughter can also be a shared tool for handling difficult topics, as long as it doesn’t become the only way to deal with challenging feelings. Research has shown that a shared sense of humor strengthens connection.
Example: Your friend tells a joke, and you laugh together, creating a positive moment.
8. Self-control
Long-term friendships include many different phases, and sometimes moments that can bring disappointment. The ability to remain calm even during potential conflicts is an important skill. Self-control helps avoid unnecessary arguments and maintains balance in the relationship.
Example: Your friend expresses a different opinion, and instead of reacting impulsively, you remain calm and express your thoughts carefully.
What kind of friend are you? Hopefully, you’ve identified areas where your skills are already strong. Did you also find ideas for which skills you could develop to become an even better friend? You can consider what mastering a new skill would look like concretely in your interactions with friends. At the same time, it’s worth reflecting on whether your friendships include enough elements of high-quality, healthy friendship.
Check out these tips from a psychotherapist
How can you recognize a good friend?
A good friend can be recognized by many different qualities, and the following list can help you reflect on the kind of friend you are. Pay particular attention to what is already working well and, on the other hand, where you could still improve.
- Listening: A good friend listens actively and genuinely. Listening fosters understanding and brings friends closer together.
- Empathy: The ability to put yourself in another’s shoes and understand their feelings promotes a deeper connection and supports the development of the friendship. Everyone has their strengths and weaknesses. A friend appreciates the other as they are and accepts differences.
- Reliability: A friend should be dependable and keep their promises. Trust is the cornerstone of friendship.
- Honesty: Open and honest communication helps build a strong friendship. Honesty fosters trust.
- Forgiveness: Being a friend also means handling mistakes and conflicts. Forgiveness is an important skill for maintaining healthy relationships.
- Providing support: A friend supports the other during difficult times and celebrates good moments together. Support strengthens the friendship. Friendships involve various situations, and flexibility helps adapt during periods of change.
- Sense of humor: A shared sense of humor creates a joyful atmosphere and helps cope with life’s challenges more lightly.
- Self-control: Being a friend sometimes requires self-control and the ability to remain calm in difficult situations. This helps avoid unnecessary conflict.
Sometimes friendships encounter disagreements or bigger conflicts that are difficult to resolve. Did you know that, if you wish, you and your friend can also book a session with us for couples or joint therapy? Sometimes people want to address conflicts together with a therapist, in which case a suitable therapy format could be short-term therapy, typically lasting about 5–20 sessions depending on your situation.
About the author of this article
I am Katri Kanninen, Doctor of Psychology, experienced psychotherapist, psychotherapy trainer (CAT), and non-fiction writer.