I promised to send the client an exercise that explores personal values as inspiration for their vacation. This promise led me to spend the summer reflecting on values, purpose, meaning, calling, and the obstacles that stand in their way.
Values, a meaningful life, significance—what exactly are they all about?
Wikipedia defines values as follows: “Values refer to a desired state, desirable behavior, or goal. Values are conceptual in nature and guide the actions of individuals or groups of people. A value also implies significance—when something is significant, it is said to be valuable.”
It’s all quite funny, really. I read many books, listened to many podcasts, sat for long moments thinking, and…
In summary, one might say that a meaningful life is synonymous with living a life of significance.
“If, when discussing the meaning of life, we focus only on values, we can easily get stuck at a level that’s too abstract or general, even if we try to bring them down to the level of action and activity.”
Still, even a meaningful life can be exhausting…
In therapy, we work with many people to explore and gain insight into precisely these kinds of profound and even philosophical questions: Am I living the way I want to, and what needs to change? If, when discussing the meaning of life, we focus only on values, we can easily get stuck at a level that is too abstract or general, even if we try to bring them down to the level of action and activity. Subtle internal matters aren’t always so easy to measure, even though I think describing and visualizing goals is generally a very good thing.
Development, goal-orientedness, and striving for good performance in various areas of life are essential and admirable and often guarantee good outcomes, whereas perfectionism as a defensive behavior does not, in principle, support anyone’s well-being. It leads to burnout and perpetuates it.
Goals in Therapy
In therapy, goals are most often set for personal/emotional growth, which are generally related in some way to the quality of connections, relationships, and attitudes. The triad of relationships and attitudes can be approached through the following gateways:
- relationship with oneself
- relationship with others
- relationship with work
Behind each gateway—or even just one of them—there may be room for reflection and improvement.
Am I able to stop and listen and receive? Am I able to be curious? What about being gentle and compassionate? Even toward different perspectives and experiences? Am I able to do this in my relationship with myself? What about in my relationships with others? At work? At home?
Generally, there are similarities in attitudes and behaviors across these different areas. For example, a self-critical person is likely to be critical of their coworkers’ or children’s performance as well. Work, supervisors, and the organization may come across as demanding and unyielding.
Three Levels of the Search for a Meaningful Life
On life’s journey of development, it is helpful to continually assess your skill level in three areas:
- Becoming Aware of Thoughts
- Tolerating and Engaging with Difficult Issues and Emotions
- Increasing Positivity
1.Becoming aware of thoughts
I find it fascinating that, on average, a person has about 60,000 thoughts per day. And that these thoughts tend to repeat themselves. Only a small fraction of thoughts are new or creative.
What have you noticed yourself repeating in your thought patterns? Which themes or thought patterns recur?
Could you consider tracking your own thought patterns and keeping a record of them? And then, for example, a week later, look at your notes and categorize them under the themes that emerged?
2. Tolerating and engaging with difficult issues and emotions
In addition to the above, could you specifically observe what kinds of difficult emotions and themes are typical for you? Could you pause to look at them neutrally, observing them and, much like peeling an onion, work your way toward their core?
“For example, traumatic experiences can shape a person into adopting a complex and strong defense mechanism. For some, this takes the form of avoidance that can even lead to paralysis, while for others it manifests as irritability, or even rage.”
There are no shortcuts to self-awareness and self-development. Therapy isn’t one either. Self-exploration for the sake of personal growth isn’t for everyone, nor is it suitable for everyone. It requires commitment, perseverance, and systematic effort (which is to say, motivation). And don’t worry—if facing difficult issues feels overwhelming, you can always seek help from a qualified professional. For example, traumatic experiences can shape a person into developing complex, strong defense mechanisms. For some, this manifests as avoidance that leads to paralysis, while for others it appears as irritability, even rage. In such cases, it may feel safer to embark on self-reflection together with a trusted companion.
Wouldn’t it be wonderful if we could simply eliminate the bad and the unpleasant by replacing it with the good! Positive psychology and, say, mindfulness can be misused by trying to skip straight to the second stage. In that case, we are not in touch with our authentic selves, and the results are usually not sustainable, or do not actually lead to real change. In the worst case, we end up building a new kind of “insincere shell of smiling performance.”
“We cannot leave a place (i.e., an experience) if we have not even arrived there.”
If you have not reached and worked through the difficult emotions, thoughts, and beliefs at the core, you cannot leave them behind.
Otherwise, you’ll just be stuck in a vicious cycle of trying to protect yourself. You’ll keep repeating patterns such as perfectionism, overachievement, perseverance, self-sacrifice, substance abuse, compulsive shopping, addictions, and so on.
3. Cultivating Positivity
But once you find a peaceful way to be with your own difficult emotions, it’s important to also find the good in them. “Goodness” sustains you, helps you keep going, and creates hope and faith in the future.
Here we return once again to the question of what is meaningful. What will be your ways of refueling with “the good”? And with what is meaningful?
“What are the authentic ways of relating to others, to yourself, and to your work—the ones that bring you serenity, peace, and strength?”
Often, these too relate back to that initial triad of relationships and connections: the relationship with oneself, with others, and, for example, with work. What are the authentic ways of relating to others, to yourself, and to your work—the ones that bring you serenity, peace, and strength? For example, interactions with your children, spouse, coworkers, etc.
And like all habits, creating new habits, routines, or more stable states of mind takes time. We’re not talking here about isolated moments of experience, but rather a more established skill or habit of shifting your mindset toward something “good” or more positive.
This is especially important when you’ve been burned out on multiple occasions. Or if you have a childhood filled with traumatic experiences, whether from abuse or neglect. A pattern of striving, persevering, and forcing yourself has been etched into your body, your mind, and even down to the cellular level. It is, unfortunately, deeply ingrained. That is when persistent effort in the opposite direction is needed.
In this context, we usually talk about finding a new way of relating to oneself.
Why specifically to oneself? After all, according to research, people are generally more compassionate toward others than toward themselves. In therapeutic literature, self-compassion is often discussed.
What is compassion?
The dictionary defines compassion as follows.
Myötätunnossa (armeliaisuus, laupeus) on sisäänleivottuna toimintaimpulssi, eli halu lievittää toisen kärsimystä. Tämä erottelee sen empatiasta, mikä tarkoittaa kykyä eläytyä toisen tunteisiin ja kokemuksiin ja asettua toisen kenkiin.
Compassion (kindness, mercy) inherently contains an impulse to act—that is, a desire to alleviate another person’s suffering. This distinguishes it from empathy, which refers to the ability to understand another person’s feelings and experiences and to put oneself in their shoes.
There are actually two kinds of compassion. First, a kind, compassionate, and gentle attitude toward oneself, one’s own resilience, and one’s own limits. And second, the ability to act to protect and set boundaries. In other words, compassion is not merely about being soft and comforting oneself, but is, to a very large extent, an active and defensive act. This does not mean smiling sweetly, but also, for example, firmly defending oneself by setting boundaries. Defense often occurs primarily in relation to oneself and one’s own internalizations, which we have picked up along the journey of life. So there is no need to fear that therapy will take away a person’s ability to change their own life—on the contrary!
This is how you continue to grow as a person
How do you grow as a person?
- Observe: Become aware of your recurring patterns of thought and behavior.
- Embrace the difficult and explore it: Get to the root of your negative thoughts. Move toward the core so you can truly grasp difficult emotions, allowing you to do something about them.
- Seek out something new and more positive: Look for alternative, more positive ways of thinking and relating to others, in which you recognize that you are truly present as yourself.
About the author of this article
Katri Kanninen is a Doctor of Psychology, an experienced psychotherapist, a psychotherapy trainer (CAT), and a non-fiction author.