Life involves pain and unexpected events—and the same is true for our loved ones. Supporting a grieving person requires empathy, patience, and understanding. Facing a loss can trigger many different emotions and needs in a loved one, and you can help them by recognizing and acknowledging these.
Supporting a grieving loved one is, above all, about responding to their individual needs. At times, supporting someone can also feel burdensome, in which case it is important to recognize your own limits and to maintain them.
How to comfort someone who is grieving?
In this article, we will go through various ways in which you can support your loved one. Those close to a person who is grieving a loss may feel truly helpless and at a loss. What should you say, and what should you do? What if, despite good intentions, you end up hurting the other person instead?
Offer comfort and warmth
By offering compassion and comfort, you can help your loved one feel safe and accepted. Avoid saying “I know how you feel.” Instead, you can express your empathy by saying, for example, “I care about you” or “I’m here with you.”
Listen actively and ask questions
Listening to a grieving loved one is a central part of providing support. Focus on hearing them without interrupting or bringing in your own opinions. Listening and asking gentle questions gives the grieving person an opportunity to express and process their feelings and thoughts.
Accept different feelings and reactions
Everyone who is grieving reacts to loss in their own way. All reactions are valid. Don’t tell someone how they should behave in a crisis or how they are expected to react. Instead of judging or expressing shock about what has happened, support your loved one as they navigate their unique experiences.
If your loved one isolates, drag them out!
For example, you can suggest doing something pleasant together or offer help with practical matters such as cooking, childcare, or grocery shopping. Grief can make managing everyday life difficult, so actions that feel small to you can be of great help to a grieving loved one.
If you are concerned about their well-being, let them know
Sometimes a grieving person may be so exhausted that they cannot seek help on their own. In such cases, support from a loved one in finding and accessing help is also necessary.
Sometimes the person supporting the grieving loved one may become overwhelmed themselves
…immerse themselves too deeply in their empathy or listen more than they are able to handle. Be honest if you are unable to cope. It is important to take care of your own well-being while supporting your loved one.
Encourage doing something joyful together from time to time
That is important too. Grieving doesn’t mean that life cannot also have moments of joy. Encourage your loved one to take part in activities that bring them happiness from time to time. This can be empowering and help them move forward in their grieving process.
Remember your own limits too
A helper is of no use if they become exhausted. When supporting a loved one, it is important to remember that you are not responsible for another adult. If you need help or support in your role as a caregiver, consider reaching out to organizations such as FinFami, the Finnish Central Association for Families of People with Mental Health Problems.
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How to support someone who is grieving?
A loved one’s grief often affects the people around them as well. In the midst of grief, you may feel helpless. What is most important, however, is simply being present and showing that you care. When supporting a loved one, it can be helpful to keep the following guidelines in mind:
- Offer comfort and warmth
- Listen actively and ask questions
- Accept different feelings and reactions
- If your loved one withdraws, pull them out!
- If you are concerned about their well-being, let them know.
- Encourage doing something joyful together from time to time.
- Also remember your own limits and communicate them honestly.
Even though you may feel the urge to ease your loved one’s pain at any cost, remember to check in with your own capacity. It’s important to take good care of your own limits: make sure to live your own life as well and allow yourself to step away from the grief to enjoy pleasant things too.
It is also advisable to communicate directly to your loved one if you don’t have the energy to listen at the moment. Instead, you might do something practical together, such as going to the grocery store or attending a yoga class. You can also help your loved one find professional support, for example through various organizations or your own healthcare services.
Remember that you are not responsible for another adult. If you need support for yourself in the role of a caregiver, consider exploring the services offered by organizations such as, FinFami, either locally or online.
About the author of this article
I am Katri Kanninen, Doctor of Psychology, experienced psychotherapist, psychotherapy trainer (CAT), and non-fiction writer.