Apologizing is not always easy. Finding the right words or admitting your mistakes can be difficult, and apologizing can be accompanied by shame or fear. Sometimes people find ways to avoid apologizing verbally because they think it shows weakness. However, apologizing is a skill that can be practiced in romantic relationships as well as other interpersonal relationships.
Five ways to make apologizing easier:
1. Tell them you acted wrongly.
Tell the other person honestly that you have acted wrongly and want to apologize. A good apology is clear and sincere; saying “sorry about that” does not carry the same weight as “I’m sorry, I feel bad about what happened.” You can try to explain what happened, but don’t start making excuses.
“Genuine apology requires the ability to become aware of one’s own actions and their consequences for the other person, as well as the willingness to take responsibility for one’s deeds.”
2. Show genuine remorse
A genuine apology requires the ability to become aware of your own actions and their consequences for others, as well as the willingness to take responsibility for your actions. The sincerity of an apology is often reflected in the choice of words, tone of voice, and gestures of the person apologizing. Therefore, try to show the sincerity of your apology and remorse both verbally and physically. By looking the other person in the eye, you signal that you mean what you say. Also, try to avoid defensive body language, such as crossed arms.
3. Describe what led to the incident
When apologizing, we tend to defend ourselves. An apology is more effective when it does not include defensiveness or blame. So be honest about what led to the incident, but don’t start defending your actions. A good apology does not start with the word “but.”
4. Accept the other person’s feelings
Behavior that has hurt someone can cause them to feel a range of emotions. Accept the other person’s disappointment, anger, and sadness. Listen and try to understand, putting yourself in their shoes. The more empathy you have, the easier it is to apologize sincerely. It is also important to give the other person time, if needed, to process their feelings and what happened.
“Once you have apologized, discuss what you should do to get over the issue and whether the incident can be compensated in any way.”
5. Try to compensate for the incident
Once you have apologized, discuss what you should do to move past the situation and whether the incident can in any way be made amends. However, it is important to remember that an apology does little good if the person’s attitude does not change. For example, if promises continue to be broken in the future, the apology loses its meaning. Therefore, the person apologizing must take concrete actions to make up for their behavior and keep their promises.
Pick up some tips from this
How to apologize?
- Be honest about what happened
- Say sorry and mean it
- Explain the situation; why things happened the way they did
- Listen to and understand the other person and their feelings
- Try to compensate and clarify the situation
Sometimes, it is worth seeking help from couples or family therapy to untangle difficult relationship issues. Did you know that you can also come to couples therapy to discuss your relationship and its problems with a friend, for example?
About the author of this article
My name is Juuli Jylhä, and I am a psychology intern at Heltti. I wrote this article based on a short video by Katri Kanninen.
Katri Kanninen is Doctor of Psychology, experienced psychotherapist, psychotherapy trainer (CAT), and non-fiction writer.