A good relationship is worth nurturing, but it requires both partners to put in the effort. You don’t have to agree on everything with your partner, and occasional disagreements in a relationship are normal.
However, there are certain things it is best to avoid in order for a relationship to remain strong and safe. Here are ten things to avoid in a romantic relationship:
1. Silent treatment
The uncommunicative family culture typical of Finnish culture can act as a trigger, causing your partner to fall back into the toxic environment and memories of their own family. The silent treatment creates anxiety for both parties, may make your partner feel insecure, and can distance the couple from each other. Conflict situations require communication, and without it, the argument is more likely to continue, as the other person is not given space to talk and resolve the issue.
“It’s easy to avoid conversations that feel difficult by saying things like ‘everything is fine’ or ‘nothing is bothering me.’”
However, avoiding talking about issues causes anxiety and insecurity for your partner, as well as a feeling that the other person is not willing to put effort into improving the situation.”
2. Avoiding talking about issues
Difficult conversations are easy to avoid by saying things like “everything is fine” or “nothing is bothering me.” Another way is to leave the room when your partner starts a conversation or not to reply to their text messages. However, avoiding talking about issues causes anxiety and uncertainty for your partner, as well as a feeling that you are unwilling to work on improving the relationship. Burying issues causes your partner to draw their own, often incorrect, conclusions about the relationship and about your behavior.
3. Starting unnecessary arguments
Although it is important to talk about issues, it is also good to consider which matters are truly worth arguing about. Constant arguing is often caused by problems that neither partner wants to talk about or may not even be aware of. These can include a need for attention, jealousy, trust issues, or feeling misunderstood in the relationship. As a result, even a small disagreement can trigger a strong defensive reaction, causing the situation to escalate into a fight.
4. Comparing your partner to an ex-partner
Security is the foundation of a healthy relationship. Comparing your partner to previous partners can place them in an insecure position and cause anxiety. It can also make your partner feel inadequate—a need to change in order to be as good as the former partner. Therefore, avoid implying that your previous partner did things better.
5. Using weaknesses as a weapon
In conflicts, both partners feel vulnerable, which creates a need to defend themselves—by any means necessary. As a result, people may quickly target their partner’s “weak spots” to protect themselves—for example, insecurities or past hardships. Attacking personal issues hurts your partner and can escalate the conflict even further.
6. Mocking your partner
Light teasing is an important way of building a healthy relationship. However, if you want to joke at your partner’s expense, do so within the bounds of good taste. For example, you should avoid joking about your partner’s insecurities, as it may make them feel insecure about themselves. Especially in public settings, you should be careful with jokes so that your partner does not feel humiliated.
7. Using the words ‘always’ and ‘never’ during conflicts
Blaming your partner by saying that they “always” behave a certain way or “never” do something is not the best way to start a conversation. This kind of absolute blame easily puts your partner on the defensive and does not lead to a mature or constructive discussion. Instead of accusations (“you always do this”), it is better to appeal to your own feelings, for example: “I feel hurt when you do this.”
“In a relationship, closeness and distance occur continuously and this is natural.”
8. Avoiding apologies and taking responsibility
In a relationship, closeness and distance occur continuously, which is natural. Everyone has bad days, and it is easy to use that as an excuse to behave meanly or indifferently toward one’s partner. However, it is still important to take responsibility even on bad days. It is important to be able to reflect on one’s own behavior and, when necessary, apologize even with a low threshold.
9. Bringing up past arguments
Resolved conflicts should be left in the past. They should not be used as a weapon against your partner during an argument, for example, to justify your own behavior by saying, “You acted the same way two years ago.” This can easily lead to the escalation of the conflict and both partners trying to “win” by bringing up more and more past arguments.
10. Attempts to change your partner
Conflicts often arise from contradictions and disagreements. Two people in a relationship can have very different traits, and conflicts frequently emerge, for example, from personality clashes. Couples may also have differing opinions regarding habits and needs. One partner may want more time alone while the other desires constant togetherness. In such situations, one should not try to change their partner, but rather strive for a solution that satisfies both parties.
Sometimes conflicts feel particularly challenging, or a stressful situation calls for external support. In such cases, it is worth considering couples therapy in an early stage. Did you know that couples therapy is increasingly sought as a preventive measure, before the situation has reached crisis point?
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Tips for a good relationship
You don’t have to agree on everything with your partner, and occasional disagreements in a relationship are normal. Here is, however, a summary of what to avoid in a relationship:
Attempts to change your partner
Partners in a relationship can be very different, and conflicts often arise, for example, from clashes in personality. Couples may also have differing opinions regarding habits and needs. Instead of trying to change your partner, it is better to seek a solution together that satisfies both.
Silent treatment
Silence causes anxiety for everyone in the relationship, increases insecurity, and distances partners from each other. Resolving conflicts requires communication.
Avoiding talking about issues
It is easy to avoid difficult conversations, for example, by leaving the situation or saying things like “everything is fine” or “nothing’s bothering me.” However, avoiding difficult topics is not advisable, as it causes your partner anxiety, insecurity, and the feeling that you are unwilling to work on the relationship.
Starting unnecessary arguments
Although it is important to talk about things, not everything is worth arguing about. Continuous arguments often stem from problems that are not discussed or even recognized. The issue may be, for example, jealousy or the feeling of not being understood. That is why even a small disagreement can trigger a strong defensive reaction, which can easily escalate into a conflict.
Comparing your partner to an ex-partner
Safety is the foundation of a healthy relationship, which comparisons to previous partners can easily undermine. Comparing your partner puts them in an insecure position, which may cause anxiety and feelings of inadequacy.
Using weaknesses as a weapon
In conflict situations, both partners feel vulnerable, which creates a need to defend themselves—by any means. Still, it is not advisable to attack your partner’s “weak” spots, because targeting personal issues hurts your partner and may further escalate the situation.
Mocking your partner
Light teasing within the bounds of good taste is often part of a healthy relationship. However, it is advisable to avoid joking about your partner’s insecurities. Additionally, you should be more careful when joking in public so that your partner does not feel humiliated.
Using the words ‘always’ and ‘never’ during conflicts
A mature and constructive conversation does not include blaming statements like “you always do this” or “you never do that.” Absolute blame easily puts your partner on the defensive. Instead of blaming, it is better to appeal to your own feelings, for example: “I feel hurt when you do this.”
Avoiding apologies and taking responsibility
Everyone has bad days from time to time, when they may behave indifferently or unkindly toward their partner. Even on such days, however, one must take responsibility, be able to reflect on their own behavior, and apologize when necessary, even without hesitation.
Bringing up past arguments
Resolved conflicts should be left in the past, and they should not be used as a weapon against your partner, for example, to justify your own bad behavior. This can easily escalate the conflict.
About the author of this article
I am Juuli Jylhä, a psychology trainee at Heltti. I wrote this article based on a short video by Katri Kanninen.
Katri Kanninen is a Doctor of Psychology, experienced psychotherapist, psychotherapy trainer (CAT), and non-fiction writer.