How is your relationship doing? Assessing the state of a relationship is familiar to many. In Finland, couples divorce more often than in most other countries—51% of marriages end in divorce. Research shows that in at least two-thirds of marriages, at least one partner has considered divorce. Most of those who consider it still want to stay in the relationship. Thinking about the possibility of divorce is not necessarily a bad thing.
Why does a romantic relationship feel anxiety-inducing?
A romantic relationship can cause anxiety for many different reasons, which may feel vague and hard to pinpoint. Often, our worries emerge from the shadows, hovering over the relationship like unnoticed clouds. The purpose of this article is to provide a tool that allows you to examine the state of your relationship and identify sources of concern.
“Separation is not always necessary if we dare to make the bold corrective moves together that can open the door to new understanding and closeness.”
Pausing, reflecting, and having open conversations can be keys to a stronger and more resilient relationship. Divorce is not always necessary if we dare to make the bold corrective moves together that can open the door to new understanding and closeness. Reflect on your relationship using the following table:
| Is it time for a breakup? | Maybe not the best state / there’s room for improvement | Really good! |
| Emotional abuse: Belittling, contempt, subjugation, or humiliation. | Many unnecessary conflicts that nothing is learned from. Pointless selfishness and stubbornness. | Disputes do not occur too often. They can be resolved and usually end in reconciliation or learning about oneself and others. |
| Physical violence | The sense of safety and continuity is unstable due to the internal insecurity of one or both partners. | The ability to provide safety and stability. |
| The partner lacks the ability to understand the other’s needs, emotions, and interests. | An insufficient ability or willingness to understand the other person’s needs, desires, and interests. | The desire and ability to understand the other person’s needs, desires, and interests. |
| Selfishness and emotional detachment in sex. No communication. | There is no natural attraction to each other right from the start of the relationship. Communication about sex is inadequate. | The courage to express your own desires and wishes in the sexual relationship, even if they are something that might not withstand the light of day 🙂 |
| Excessive attachment and controlling the other person, or complete indifference regarding acts of love. | Unnecessary jealousy and possessiveness. One or both partners have difficulties expressing love through actions. | The ability to show love through words and actions. The ability to take joy in the other person and express it. |
| The other decides what to do and what interests us. | Jealousy about the other person’s activities. No shared activities for free time. Inability to try new things together. | The ability to let the other person go while still maintaining shared interests. |
| Lying and cheating. Financial exploitation. | One (or both) partners has a challenging personality and holds tightly to their “right” to be themselves, leaving the other too much on their own. However, if there is motivation to work on and develop these areas, that’s great! | A person can be themselves, a unique individual—sometimes even challenging. But sufficient acts of love compensate for this. |
How to repair and deepen a relationship?
Separation is not always the only option. Before making that final decision, we can take corrective steps. But where to start? The following questions can be keys to a new beginning. Through these questions, you can start a conversation and identify the crucial corrective actions:
- What things work well in your relationship?
- Where is there room for improvement?
- Which category do most of your answers fall into?
- Which problems feel the most challenging?
- Which would be the easiest to change?
Pick up some tips here
What to do if your relationship is causing you distress?
Problems often feel the most challenging to tackle. But what if we first focused on what would be easiest to change? Choose something from the list that can be relatively easily improved, and consider a single action that could address this specific shortcoming in the relationship.
- What single action could address this shortcoming in your relationship?
- How motivated are you to implement this change (1–10)?
- How motivated is your partner to implement this change in practice (1–10)?
Did you know that the deepest moments of connection often happen through shared points of vulnerability? I wish you and your partner courage and meaningful moments of connection as you work through these questions together.
If you need help dealing with anxiety, it is a good idea to book an appointment for couples therapy, which you can attend alone or with your partner. This usually helps to break the cycle.
About the author of this article
I am Katri Kanninen, Doctor of Psychology, experienced psychotherapist, psychotherapy trainer (CAT), and non-fiction writer.