Have you ever wondered why you react a certain way with friends, a partner, or family? Why some situations feel easy while others drain your energy? The answer may lie in your attachment styles, which are shaped by early relationships and continue to influence your adult relationships and self-esteem.
What are attachment styles?
Originally developed by John Bowlby in the 1930s, attachment theory describes the ways in which we form emotional bonds with other people. Mary Ainsworth continued this research and created a classification of four attachment styles:
- Secure attachment: The individual trusts others, feels worthy, and is able to recognize and regulate both positive and negative emotions skillfully.
- Insecure-avoidant attachment: People with avoidant attachment may distance themselves in relationships and strive for excessive independence. They often find it difficult to deal with and express feelings they perceive as negative.
- Anxious-ambivalent attachment: A person with an anxious-ambivalent attachment style has developed their behavior in response to an unpredictable caregiver. Underlying this is a longing for closeness combined with a fear of rejection.
- Disorganized attachment: This attachment style may be caused by traumatic experiences, which can introduce chaotic elements into relationships.
The impact of attachment style on relationships
Attachment relationships have been extensively studied in recent decades. Attachment styles are reflected in how we experience closeness, conflicts, and trust:
- Secure attachment allows for open communication and the sharing of emotions. In these relationships, people often find a healthy balance between closeness and independence.
- Avoidant attachment can lead to emotional distancing. For example, an avoidant person may withdraw from intimacy and conflict, while internally longing for deeper closeness.
- Anxious-ambivalent attachment makes a person crave constant reassurance of love and acceptance, which can put pressure on relationships.
- Disorganized attachment affects only a small percentage of people. Deeply felt insecurity creates challenges in relationships. Parenting can be very challenging, and people often need professional help with it.
How do attachment styles affect self-esteem?
A secure attachment style supports a positive self-image. In contrast, insecure attachment can undermine self-esteem in ways such as:
- Avoidant individuals may see themselves as strong and independent, but internally they often feel alone.
- Anxious-ambivalent individuals often feel inadequate and uncertain about their own worth.
How can an adult change patterns of behavior rooted in attachment styles formed in childhood?
Although attachment styles are formed in childhood, they are not permanent. Self-awareness and understanding your own attachment style can help in changing patterns of behavior:
- Reflect on your experiences: Ask yourself how you behave in close relationships. Do you often respond by withdrawing, or by seeking constant validation from others?
- Train yourself to express vulnerability: Building secure relationships requires the ability to open up to others and share your feelings. On the other hand, a secure attachment style is also linked to the ability to be independent and trust yourself.
- Examine your own beliefs: Is your worldview too pessimistic? Who can you trust? How does this affect your relationships?
- Consider seeking therapy: Psychotherapy or couples therapy can help change insecure attachment patterns and support the development of secure attachment. Attachment styles are deeply ingrained, and often long-term therapeutic work—sometimes over two years—is needed to foster a new sense of security and trust.
Questions for reflection
- Who do you turn to when you want to share your worries or joys?
- How do you notice yourself reacting in challenging situations? Do you seek comfort from someone else? Do you withdraw? Do you cling to another person? How do you tolerate being alone? What might this stem from?
- How do you feel that the relationships in your life have shaped the way you see yourself and others?
- What can you do to strengthen trust in others? Or in yourself?
Attachment styles are a key to better self-awareness and deeper relationships. Being aware of them allows you to understand both yourself and your loved ones better and to build healthier ways of interacting. You can assess your own attachment style by taking the attachment style test we have created.
About the author of this article
Katri Kanninen is a Doctor of Psychology, an experienced psychotherapist, a certified training psychotherapist (CAT), and a non-fiction author.