Clinginess in a relationship

In an ideal situation, there is a balance between independence and dependence on each other in a relationship. In a good relationship, you can rely on the other person for support, comfort, and security, whereas in an unhealthy relationship, one or both partners are too dependent on each other. Everything is always done together, and the other person’s independent actions or even thoughts can feel threatening.

Dependency can also manifest itself as jealousy or controlling the other person’s actions and spending. For some people, being alone can feel unbearably distressing. In this article, I will help you recognize the signs of excessive clinginess in your relationship.

Relationships have different stages

A new relationship typically involves a more intense phase, during which you want to spend a lot of time with your partner. Often, things settle down within a year, and meeting up with friends and family becomes more common again.

A relationship also involves a continuous learning process. Through discussions and conflicts, you can find a balance between your own time and shared time. This does not mean that it is always easy. There are always two parties in a relationship, each with their own life history. Personality and past attachment history are strongly reflected in a relationship.

Safe attachment

The life stories of securely attached individuals often reveal a sufficiently supportive, loving, and independent upbringing. In these relationships, the individual has developed a healthy self-esteem and a sufficiently strong inner sense of self-sufficiency.

Some people, even as children, receive “free” lessons on how to act flexibly in a relationship, taking the other person into account while also leaving enough space for their own needs. Others grow up in unsafe families, and especially an anxious-ambivalent attachment background increases the risk of entering negative cycles in a relationship.

Anxious and ambivalent attachment

An anxious-ambivalent attachment background is reflected in a life history that has often involved insecurity. A person with anxious-ambivalent attachment often expresses their emotions strongly and seeks intense emotional experiences and closeness in both romantic and friendship relationships.

Anxiety can manifest as compulsive strategies in interactions, aimed at getting the other person to act as desired. When the partner feels suffocated, they often withdraw, which frequently leads to the formation of a negative cycle. The person often feels fundamentally insecure in the relationship and unable to trust their partner.

Driven by fear, a person with anxious-ambivalent attachment style clings to their partner, behaving demanding or possessive. They interpret the partner’s independent actions as directed against themselves, personalize the partner’s normal behavior, and feel that their worst fears are coming true: “My partner doesn’t love me,” “I don’t matter to them,” “Others are more important than me.”

“The inner fears and perceptions of an insecure person strongly influence their actions.”

Underlying this may be deep fears that the relationship or family will fall apart. The internal fears and mental images of an insecure partner strongly guide their behavior. Their well-intentioned aim is to ensure that past disappointments do not repeat in this relationship, and that this person could somehow fulfill, repair, or rescue them from their unmet desires and the shortcomings of past relationships.

Deep down, people have hopes, ideals, and illusions about what a relationship should be like. Inevitably, the other person will disappoint them if their hopes are too high, they are too anxious, and their need for closeness, security, and comfort from the other person is not fulfilled.

It is possible to break free from negative cycles in a relationship

Through shared conversations and “healthy conflicts,” it is possible to learn new, more balanced interaction skills in a relationship. Studies that have followed people from childhood to adulthood have repeatedly shown that a person is not a victim of their past, but can learn new ways of acting. The first step is always acknowledging the problem and verbalizing it together. Often, this requires sufficient safety and stability in the relationship. Change requires repeated discussions, as well as the courage and ability to question one’s old beliefs and habits. Couples therapy can also be a helpful resource, which can be attended alone or together with one’s partner.

About the author of this article

Katri Kanninen is Doctor of Psychology, experienced psychotherapist, psychotherapy trainer (CAT), and non-fiction writer.